Modern Day Blues

Here are a few titles for some blues songs that the past few generations can actually relate to (if you don’t remember Hudson motors, these are for you):

• Cable Modem Quit Workin’ in the Storm Blues
• Someone Farted in the Office and Won’t Admit it Blues
• Stuck at the DMV Next to a Teenager With His Headphones Up So Loud You Can Hear Them Clear Out the Damned Door Blues
• Got Three Kids Each One Allergic to Somethin’ Different, Can’t Sit Down to a Damn Meal No More Without Readin’ Ingredients for Two Hours and Lawd Don’t You Know Damn Near Everything Got Peanuts in it These Days Blues
• The Hot Chiropractor Won’t Take My Insurance so I Got to go to See an Ugly Man With Hairy Arms Blues
• Lord I Voted for Obama But He Didn’t End “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Yet and Don’t I Just Feel So Back-stabbed Blues

More to come?

Google, Now With More SlapChop!

Tee hee.

The New Mazda 3 Looks Like a Tard

I hate to use “tard” in a derogatory fashion, but seriously:

Look at it.  You just want to give it a graham cracker and some (non-toxic) crayons.  Here’s another comparison, in case that one didn’t drive it home enough:

Greatest Beverage Ever.

http://sippinsumdrank.com/index.asp

And to prove that this is not a hoax:

I’m going to try it this weekend, let’s hope my roll doesn’t slow to the point of cardiac failure.   “Doctor we have an emergency!! This young man’s roll is extremely slow!!!”

Some Things I Hate

1. Cold Oatmeal
2. People that use the term “NIC Card”
3. Cyclists that ride through stop signs without stopping
4. Having to shit right when I start writing something
5. Losing my motivation

They Called Me Crazy

Fie on all the naysayers.  I have successfully used Virginia country ham in place of prosciutto in a number of applications, including pasta all’amatriciana (ok that calls for cured jowel or guanciale but it was fine with country ham), chicken breast roulades, roasted whole fish, pizza, and raw snacking.  The only place where country ham didn’t measure up to it’s expensive Italian cousin was wrapping melon chunks with it, although to be honest I’ve never tried this with prosciutto, so it might just be that I think the combination is unpalatable.

Roanoke: Day Eight

I stand corrected.  What I thought was the impossible task of cleaning up my father’s house before Christmas dinner, proved to be mere child’s play.  Granted, they may have just moved all the clutter to different rooms where it would be out of sight, but is that not the very nature of cleaning?  Well, putting things in a different room and putting things away might be slightly different, but I was nonetheless impressed.  Floors were cleaned, the bathroom was cleaned, seating was available, good times were had by all.

My quest for the elusive country ham has come to fruition.  I have journeyed to Etzler Hams in Troutville, VA to purchase a fine 17lb specimen from Mr. Etzler himself (etzlerhams.com).   This is true country ham, salt-cured and dry-aged for nearly a year.  Unfortunately dad, knowing of my quest had already bought a sliced country ham from a local grocery store.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I wanted to make sure the ham I gave as a gift would be truly unique.  Also, I now have 30 or more pounds of ham to ship back to Houston.  I shall try to offer as much of the pre-sliced to family and acquaintances as possible.

Netzero does not have an OS X installer on their web site.  All download links point to a windows executable, and their tech support is $1.95/min.  This makes getting my mom’s new computer online a bit of a hassle.  I will request a cd, but I’m getting worried, as I’ve heard some bad things about their customer service when it comes to canceling.

I am really enjoying myself so far this year, which is odd since I really haven’t seen anyone but family, and one old friend.  I am bored, and desperately miss Amy, and I do somewhat wish that I was returning on the 30th and not the 31st so as to have more time to settle back in, but it’s still nice to be back here in the mountains with the simple pleasures of a good book and coffee-shop wifi.

Roanoke: Day Six

The road trip from Hell has come and gone.  I must confess it actually went quite well.  Food was excellent, company was good, everyone in high spirits and good cheer.  The ride back was a complete nightmare though.  To start with, there was the truck.  Four-door pickups have a back seat in name only, it’s really more like a shelf for putting groceries or guns or whatever else you don’t want exposed to the weather.  To then have to share that back seat with a round-faced mischievous six year-old is a torture that no one should have to bear.  The girl quieted soon enough and fell asleep, which left me with the endearing sounds of the road and modern gospel music.

A side note on modern gospel:

This is not “contemporary christian” music.  Modern gospel is the same songs one might find in a church hymnal or on an aging country music star’s Christmas CD.  The problem is that it’s been re-recorded by people who lack the ability to sing (which is sad, considering how obvious it is that they also cannot write their own material).  It’s the hymns of your youth, sped up until they keep the beat with the preset songs in a $50 Casio keyboard.  It’s Wesley Willis gospel.

Anyway the gospel eventually yielded to modern country and a fitful slumber.  Upon returning home I quickly fell into a deep sleep amongst the couch cushions and clutter of my dad’s living room.  The entire house scarcely leaves room to walk around for all the trash and junk piled on every available surface and filing every unused corner.   The floors are dirty to the point of being literally frightening, and the bathroom is so dirty one feels that using the toilet would be an improvement.

I am being harsh, but I feel that the added presence of a toddler and a slothful brother-in-law has had some obvious negative effects on that household.  Namely that nobody seems to notice or mind disgusting living conditions. It would seem that maintaining sanity has become enough for them to get through the day.  I am confident though that as the girl requires less attention and the in-law finds his own place, their spirits will return and a grand dump day will be had by all.

I feel that I am overstaying my welcome in the coffee shop so I shall take my leave soon.  I have taken some (hopefully) great pictures of the rolling mountains of southwest Virginia, and will post them when I get a chance.

Also, I feel like it’s worth noting that I haven’t gotten drunk yet, which I feel somehow is an accomplishment after having spent six days without cable or high-speed internet.

Roanoke: Day Three

Awakened to refreshingly breathable air thanks to my $20 humidifier. I estimate the relative humidity in the house at about 2% , or about three-hundred fold that of the the previous two days.

Read what was left of the Wednesday Times Dining and Wine section – Mark Bittman obviously owns stock in pimentón.

Watched a rousing episode of Judge Alex. Clearly a cute picture of a pit bull does not a friendly dog make.

Went to lunch upon a sumptuous feast of the famous “Orange Dog” and Dr. Pepper.

Read several more short stories of Mark Twain (my present tone and vocabulary may be attributed to this).

Adjourned to the Salem location of Mill Mountain Coffee and Tea to enjoy a pot of Earl Grey. A word to the wise – never get green tea at a coffee shop. They will no doubt brew it into oblivion using the milk steamer on the espresso machine. One would be better off drinking a nice hot mug of Angostura Bitters mixed with pine tar.

What of the previous two days? The records have been unfortunately lost to the unpredictable forces of arid climates and tiny liquors.

Dunkin Donuts: The Best and Worst Coffee Ever

Everyone knows Dunkin Donuts has great coffee.  If Starbucks house blend is a peaty single-malt scotch, Dunkin coffee is Maker’s Mark; crisp, light, fresh, easy drinking.  The problem is that the Dunkin Donuts brand coffee you can now buy in places like Target is utter backwash.  It’s like they save the used coffee grounds from Dunkin Donuts locations and repackage them after a nice long bake to dry them out.  Now it could be that I got the decaf, which wasn’t available in whole-bean form, but it should have at least been drinkable.

The first batch I tried to use the same amount of grounds that I do with good coffee that I’ve ground fresh – and it was the most bitter thing I’ve ever put in my mouth.  Next batch, half as much coffee, not too bad, but something like bitter coffee-flavored water.  Since it was “oh crap we ran out of good coffee and don’t have time to go to the expensive grocery store” coffee, I figured that bitter coffee water would be better than nothing.  Unfortunately, every subsequent pot I brewed came out more bitter and disgusting than the last.  Same amount of water, same brew time, same machine, same amount of coffee, same everything!

Dunkin Donuts decaf retail coffee is clearly roasted somewhere in hell, probably from beans picked off trees grown in the ashes of WWII concentration camps or on Indian burial grounds or something.  Whatever it is, it’s bad, and it gets worse over time.